SSDD

Same shit, different day.

My mood is still shit. I'm still depressed, still having suicidal ideation, and have been cutting. That is most certainly not a good combo. I have had 2 days in the last 3 weeks where going to the hospital might have been a good idea - except I don't think it would help much (I have been able to keep myself safe . . . well, except for the cutting).

I had a talk with hubby about everything a couple of nights ago to let him know what goes on in my fucked up brain. Maybe I scared him a little, I don't know. He thinks I need to add something else to my cocktail again. Maybe I do. But I don't know what. I don't have a good track record with antidepressants. He gave me homework though - to look back through my mood journal and see if there was something that I was on in the past that helped, even if I had to stop it for some reason.

Here's what I found:

I've always been on lithium and lamictal  - l&l - (both are mood stabilizers). For awhile I was on those with an antidepressant (most of the time, wellbutrin). This combo had me in a constant mixed state. I had mostly irritable hypomania mixed with depression, with a few short stints of euphoria. Reading through my journal, seeing how much irritability, distorted thinking, and depression was there makes it obvious that this is not a good combo.

I've also been on l&l with cymbalta. This combo lifted the depression a little but still kept me in a mixed state. L&l by itself renders me with deep depression.

I was on l&l with wellbutrin when I was hospitalized last November - wellbutrin was stopped while I was in the hospital and I was started on zyprexa. That knocked out the mania, but depression was still there and I was hospitalized in December after Latuda pushed me over the edge.

While on l&l and geodon, I had depression, sometimes a little more mild, often times more moderate and I lost my creativity. Mania/mixed symptoms are gone. Then, geodon was stopped and I started on seroquel. Still no mania/mixed symptoms. Well, irritability, but I'm not sure if that's mixed or more the depression. And I've been on wellbutrin and brintellix with these combos with no real benefit.

So, l&l with antidepressant alone = mixed episodes. L&l with antipsychotic = no mania/mixed, but depression. L&l with antipsychotic and antidepressant = no mania/mixed, but depression.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm sure my pdoc, whom I see next Wednesday, will suggest maybe upping the seroquel again. But I don't know what else would be helpful. I need something. Something has to change because I can't keep feeling like this.

And how, exactly, am I feeling?

Let's take a "good" day (good being a relative term). Today is a "good" day. I start the day not wanting to be awake because being awake is pointless and stupid. I spend the day going through the motions, feeling empty, and vacant, and detached. I don't really feel anything. I'm flat, apathetic. Why should I bother cleaning/drawing/etc when everything is so pointless and hopeless? It doesn't make sense. Sleeping to escape makes sense. Cutting makes sense. If I cut at least I can feel something physically - pain. That's almost like a feeling. My urge to cut is strong, sometimes overwhelming. I float along, feeling nothing, doing nothing. Well, that's not entirely true - I feel irritability. Easily. It's the only thing I do feel. I get snippy and bitchy. And in trying not to be snippy and bitchy, I tend to withdraw more.

Now, a bad day. Again, I awake not wanting to be awake because everything is pointless and stupid. Only now, I feel despair. Overwhelming despair and depression and darkness. Not only is being awake pointless, living is pointless. I want to die. I don't know how I can possibly make it through the day. The emotional pain is so great that all I want to do is curl in a ball. Curl in a ball and not exist anymore. Sometimes I do this - even at work - because I don't know what else to do. I get overwhelmed easily, I feel like giving up, and my irritability can get out of control. I tear up easily and often break down sobbing. I want to cut - this time not to feel physical pain, but rather to numb the emotional pain. I want to cut deep enough that I need stitches. My mind fixates on death - my death. Suicidal ideation. I hurt so bad that I don't know how I can go on living. I can't live like this - this is torture, not life. I know that if it does continue to go on like this, I'll kill myself. It's a certainty I'm terrified of.

I struggle whether it's a good day or a bad day, just in different ways. Neither of these days are really okay with me. I have to feel something other than this. I'm so fucking tired of dealing with this. No one should have to - especially for as long as I've had to. I'd really love to throw in the towel.

But I can't.

So there's where I am. Stuck between shit days and shit days. We'll see what my therapist says this week and what my pdoc says next week. What else can I do . . .