New Years . . . ?

I should write a new years post, right? Isn't that what most people do? Reminisce the previous year, state their new resolutions . . . I should do that, right?

No.

I'm not going to. For a few reasons I guess. One, I typically don't make new years resolutions, and two, this past year has been pretty crappy.

And my heart just isn't in it.

I couldn't care less about new year's resolutions and all that crap*

                          *all that crap = life in general   

My mind has been in a tizzy as of late. It's either slow as molasses or racing around throwing stupid ideas and thoughts in my face because my mind is an asshole. So now, just to try and make sense of shit, I'm throwing this all out on (figurative) paper. Maybe it will help. Maybe I'll still be confused and racing sludge and annoyed with my asshole brain. Who knows.

Hopefully we all remember what my pdoc told me about what she thought my "treatment" should be. And we remember how I was thinking of looking for a new pdoc.

I decided a couple of things: I made an appointment with a new pdoc (whose specialty happens to be bipolar disorder), and I'm going to start group DBT sessions. I see my new pdoc on the 27th and I'm meeting with the therapist for the DBT group next Tuesday (and then sessions are every other Monday, starting on the 12th for me).

These are both good things.

But my mind is still in a tizzy.

Why? Because I keep second guessing myself  and what is truly right for me to do.

I'll elaborate, of course.

I keep thinking back to what Mary said. That I may be depressed and suicidal and I should just get used to it. That meds won't help. That I need to do more trauma work, DBT, neurofeedback, ECT . . . that, basically, I'm failing at doing what I can to feel better. In everything she told me, she's insinuating that if I just did this thing correctly, did this thing more, I'd be okay. Life wouldn't suck. I wouldn't be depressed.

And this has hit me hard, actually. Not as in, depressing me more (not really), but as in making me second guess everything. Much of this is stated in my last post - and much of it will be restated here because I need to vent people and it's my blog so I do what I want.

The past few days have been . . . not as shitty? I'm not sure how to define it. Here's the prevailing thoughts/feelings: don't want to wake up (being awake is stupid), withdrawn, quiet, not wanting to interact (too difficult, takes too much energy, don't care), depressed (but not the sobbing despair kind), flat, angry, irritable, don't care about things, periods of not wanting to exist, feeling "tired", wanting to nap to escape or constantly reading to escape, over eating, and feeling empty and nothing. That's still kinda shitty, right? Not how I want to feel. Not at all. But I keep thinking, I haven't been the sobbing, suicidal depressed for what, almost a week? So I'm not depressed. I can't be depressed if I'm not suicidal, right???

Wrong.

We all know this. I'm depressed. Just a different kind of depressed.

But the kind of depressed I'm in now doesn't garner the same attention as me being suicidal. I'm seen as being stable. I'm seen as getting better. When, in reality, I'm still fucking depressed. I'm still terribly withdrawn from my family and everything else. And it sucks. Feeling like this sucks.

And then I get confused. Is this how I'm supposed to be feeling? Is this normal? Do I still feel this way because I'm not trying hard enough? I mean, Mary said I needed to do trauma work, do trauma work, it's the only way. Maybe I haven't done enough . . . maybe I need to hunker down and really do trauma work and I'll be fine. This will pass.

Wait.

I've been doing trauma work. M and I have worked through a metric fuck ton of trauma shit. I'm at the point now, in talking about my alcoholic upbringing, I'm not sure what more to say. I'm slowly building a relationship with my mom and I'm okay with that. She isn't nearly as big f a trigger for me . . . So that's good, right? That means I've been doing something right . . .

But if you're still depressed, obviously you haven't done something right.

What is that something?

Are my expectations too high? Let's be honest, if I could choose, I'd be mildly hypomanic all. The. Time. Who the hell wouldn't want to feel like that? Here's the thing though - I know that's unrealistic. I know that's not how I'll feel. What I really want? To enjoy life. To feel joy and happiness and contentment. To feel connected. To feel love. To feel emotions other than hate, anger, resentment and irritability. I want to not constantly feel like I don't want to exist or that I'd be better off dead. I want to feel emotions - all emotions - without feeling like I'm drowning in them.

And I don't feel like that's too much to ask.

So I've been doing trauma work, my expectations really aren't that high . . . so what else? What am I not doing right? Self sabotage? No, I've been actively countering all my errors in thinking and I'm forcing myself to try and stay connected, interactive, all that shit. If this isn't chemical, like Mary said it wasn't, what the fuck else?

SAD.

Could this be seasonal affective disorder overlapping the bipolar? Is that what this is? Do I just need to wait it out and I'll feel better? Is that my problem? I'm not strong enough to wait a few months? Suck it up, buttercup. You're life is going to be fucking suicidal shit for 3-6 months, but you can handle it. Try and stay positive. Muddle through. You'll make it. Meds won't help. Just deal with being suicidal.

Stop.

I get on that line of thinking and I get stuck. My brain goes faster. I'm not strong enough to wait it out. I should be able to wait this out. I should be able to do this.

Wait. Stop.

That's an error of thinking. No "shoulds". Counter that. Replace that thought. Better.

Let's try this. If it is SAD, then yes, it's cyclical. Right? So it should end, right? But when? I can't spend 3-6 months struggling every day, trying not to kill myself, and ostracizing my family and friends. Honestly, that's no way to live. And it's not how I want to live. So what then? What do I do?

Should I try going the med route? Is that the answer? Something to help me through this time period (assuming this is the problem)? More therapy? I mean come on - I do CBT, trauma work, Al-Anon, and I'll be starting DBT. What the hell more can I do? Do I truly just suck it up and deal with it? I don't want to accept that as the answer. Surly I can feel better than this.

I don't know. I can't even remember how I used to be. How I was before my "break" 3 years ago. I know I was depressed after having my son, and that that got progressively worse and worse until I lost it 3 years ago. I know I've had depression all of my life. But I don't remember how it was. My hubby says that I was upbeat, easy going, go with the flow, didn't get upset much (although at times I was "go, go, GO" with things, projects, ideas). But I don't really remember it. All I seem to remember is the chaos that the past 3 years have been. My friends say I'm not the same. I'm not who I should be.

I'm rambling anymore. My mind is going too fast right now for me to keep up with it. I can't separate thoughts anymore. I can't continue to be like this, though. I see my new pdoc the 27th. We'll go from there I guess.