Friday

So I had my latest appointment with my psychiatrist, Dr. C. He confirmed what I had suspected - I've been in a mixed episode. How fantastic. Not that I'm surprised. It certainly explains why I was feeling so crappy and all over the place.
Also, my Lithium levels aren't in the therapeutic range yet, so we're upping the Lithium dose. As well as adding Abilify to help with the depression and mixed cycles. Blood levels again in 2 weeks.
My therapy session this week went well. I got quite a bit out of it. Saw some things in a new light, so to speak. Actually teared up during it. I blamed it on being sick. M blamed it on me being more honest and genuine. I'm sure it was the latter.
I've had such a tough time recently. The constant mood swings aren't helping matters at all. I just feel so . . . empty. So utterly lost and empty. I felt it at work today. I usually would joke around with the doctors, connect with the new parents, I'm helping bring a life into the world for God's sake! But at a delivery today, I couldn't muster up any feelings at all. And I mean NO feelings. I went about doing what I needed to do with the baby, checking her out, getting her weight. I joked, I made comments, but I felt none of it. Almost like I'm a spectator in my own body. I'm in control but I'm not conscious.
How horrible is that?
I just want to cry. Just cry. Big ugly sobs. To be comforted and told that everything will get better. Everything HAS to get better. I told M that I feel joy, but I'm not sure I do. Or if I do, it's terribly short lived. Joy with my son, sure, but only in spurts. Joy with my hubby, sure, but only in short bursts. No joy or pleasure in my art, or my sewing, or my job. Forced happiness with friends and family. I want to crawl into the corner or under a blanket and hide. I don't want to deal with people or with anything because it's easier that way. It's getting so hard to keep up the ruse that I'm alright. It's difficult, it's tiring, and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
I'm hoping my meds will start working. I'm hoping to have a breakthrough in therapy. I'm joining a bipolar support group hosted by Dr. C and M. I've ordered some motivational books and a book on bipolar. I've treated myself to a bracelet to remind myself I'm worth the fight.
I just hope something works because I'm tired of being the empty husk of the person I used to be.