That last week has been . . . .interesting? I don't know what it's been, quite frankly. Saturday was the Dirty Dash which was quite fun. It was also the night I wrote my last post. Sunday we had friends over for lunch, which went well - no anxiety or anything. Monday, more of the same. A little anxious, irritable. I guess I should mention that on Thursday night (prior to the weekend) I started taking Klonopin to try and knock out the mania. Dr. C also upped my dose of Lithium to 1200mg. The klonopin . . .oh god. I was so loopy and out of it the first two nights. I couldn't even walk straight and I'm only on 1mg. And then the tiredness lasted through half the day, balance was off. Let's just say I didn't like it.
So yes. Tuesday. I didn't take the klonopin on Monday night. Didn't want to. Got to work and was exceedingly hypo manic. More than I've been in a while. Racing thoughts, pressured speech, a need to constantly talk, constantly move, unable to focus, no verbal filter, I had to move to pace to fidget to DO things, to talk, I was anxious, who's watching me? . . .it was a nightmare. J had taken Tuesday off just because and I actually had him bring a klonopin to my work. I only took half. I was too scared to see my patients until it kicked in. I could've gotten myself in trouble just by opening my mouth. I got some "concerned" looks from coworkers. Fuck what's wrong with me, is all I could think. But the klonopin kicked in. Within 20 minutes. I calmed down. I could function. But at what cost? I was flat. Emotionless. I didn't care about anything. All I could feel was mild irritation. Depressive thoughts started to creep in later. Feelings that nothing mattered. Nothing. I wanted to cut again. And then? The klonopin wore off. Guess where I was. Manic again. Goody. No in between. No middle ground. One or the other. So frustrating. I wanted to pull out my hair.
Wednesday? Meh. Not bad I suppose. I was at home. I sewed I think. It's a fog. A klonopin fog. Thursday? I seemed to be okay. Mostly normal? See, the thing is, I don't know what normal is anymore. I'm so worried about being hypo manic that ANY elevated mood scares me - whether it's "normal" or not. I get anxious more. I'd say it was a good day. Busy at the baby factory, kept my irritability mostly in check. I had klonopin with me just in case. At the end of the night though . . .mania. Oh yes. My old friend. My mind and mouth were a mile a minute. There was no way I was going to be able to sleep. I wanted to sew and draw and workout and sculpt and maybe write a novel and hey I have Halloween props to make . . . So in goes the klonopin. My new steady friend. I was able to sleep.
Today now, Friday, I was mostly hypo but mixed. I had energy. Oh did I. Finished 3 Halloween props, made a stuffed animal for my son, went to the post office, shopping. I felt impatient, anxious. I kept thinking about all the other things I needed to do too. Laundry, dishes, bathrooms, vacuum, dust . . .maybe tonight, while everyone sleeps I can clean quietly. Or sew. I need to stock my shop. STOP. I decided to take a half a klonopin (so as not to be knocked out). And then what? Flat. Irritable. Tired. Annoyed.
It's frustrating. I can't just have a happy medium. I'm mixed, I'm hypo manic, or I'm nothing. The meds are great, don't get me wrong. I'd probably have been hospitalized if I wasn't on them. But I wish there were less side effects. Heh. Doesn't everyone?
I work tomorrow and I don't want to. I'll have to bring klonopin just in case. I'm not taking any tonight. I know I have to go day by day . . .take each as they come . . .and not worry about the future too much . . .but that's hard to do when my mind WON'T SHUT OFF. That's all that cycles through, over and over. The one thing I can't shut off.
Well that was a pointless ramble I guess. I had it worded so eloquently in my head. I'll blame the drugs. I DID take klonopin today.
At least next week I can look forward to to therapy with M, getting my hair colored, and bipolar support group.
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