Thursday: Baahahahahahahaaaaaa!! What are emotions?! Let's have all the emotions today!! Then Thursday fist bumped the air.
Because Thursday is an asshole.
Today has been stupidly weird. And I mean that in the best and worse way. I've had a whole slew of emotions today - both good and bad. From being happy and upbeat this morning, to melancholy, to angry, to flat, and back to melancholy. And then just tired.
I coped in a bad way today - I smoked. See, I used to smoke back in the day (which was a Wednesday - trust me, you won't get the reference). But I gave it up when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. Sometimes, when I'm really stressed, I crave a cigarette. And today I was at my mom's to check on her cat. And she smokes. And I lit one up and it was like an old friend you haven't seen in ages. Each drag calmed me. I took an extra home with me and smoked it after I got home from the gym. Again, it was divine. Tomorrow, I'll probably buy a pack. I figure an occasional smoke is better than the alternatives I've been tempted to do lately (cut, or take pills with alcohol to pass out).
And again, I think all of this has to do with dealing with everything from my past. All the pain and anger hitting at once . . . .I guess it might be affecting me more than I let on. But I'm writing, working out, talking. I'm healing.
Maybe I just need a cigarette every now and then until this is complete.
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