I don't know what's up with me lately. My emotions are everywhere, changing at any given moment. Not extreme. These are mild fluctuations, but still outside the realm of what I consider normal for me. And it's just . . .tiring. And frustrating. Though I suppose I'm getting used to it. I don't want this to be my new normal though.
I'll start by finishing with Thursday. Thursday night to be exact. Most of Thursday was tolerable. Good, in fact. That night though, I was antsy and nervous. I didn't want to leave the house but I wanted to get the hell out of there. I wanted to drive aimlessly around, blaring music and smoking and forget everything. Which is what I did when I was younger. And this is what I wanted to do. Instead, I actually took 2 shots and a xanax. Not a good thing. That could become a slippery slope.
Friday. It started well. I felt good. For most of the day actually. My mood dipped when I told my 2 closest friends about my past. It's hard to do. But it quickly returned to upbeat. I smoked a cigarette in the afternoon as I was feeling a little anxious. Had dinner with our amazing friends. Still, mood elevated. What's wrong with that, you ask? I was feeling hyper sexual. The feeling is one of the most annoying feelings I've had to experience. The urgency, the pressuring need to masturbate is overwhelming. To masturbate, or have sex, or show of my body in some manner . . .I really don't like it. I mean, sex, yes. But the fact that I feel like I literally have to pleasure myself . . .several times a day . . .fuck. It's also embarrassing. To talk about and even write about. Oh well.
Now today, I had the moods that were everywhere. Just, all. Over. The. Fucking. Place. Again, mild swings. But swings none the less. But with more irritability. Because that's always fun to have thrown in the mix. I wanted to cry and punch the wall today. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just sleep. Sleep until everything went away. People, feelings, everything.
And then I started feeling sick. Which doesn't mesh with my plans for this week. At all. Which made me more irritable and frustrated. Then I get to hear bad news about a coworker's sister who's dying (she's 20, I believe). Which dropped my already failing mood.
This. This is what's frustrating. Normal people can bounce back from crap like this. Me? My moods spiral out of my control and I have to work hard to rein them back in. Which is stressful and tiring.
I probably sound like all I do is complain. I feel more stable than I have since the beginning of July (when this whole mood episode started). Maybe my meds need more time or tweaking. Maybe weekly therapy session for a little longer before going back to every 2 weeks. Maybe I need to suck it up and stop whining.
Hopefully this vent will have me feeling better in the morning. Well, that and my Tylenol cold and flu.
Fucking head cold.
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