I'm rather pissed right now. And near tears except I can't cry - no matter how hard I try to. Which is stupid and annoying and makes me even more mad. I need to fucking cry.
I'm stuck on this slippery slope again. I've gone over the top and down the side and I'm sliding. It's gravel and loose rocks and there isn't much to grab on to and I'm losing my footing. I'm scrambling, reaching out for anything to help stabilize me . . . but I seem to be sliding down further.
Meaning, the depressive feelings are coming back. And I'm having a much harder time keeping them at bay. I feel down all the time, flat, withdrawn. And irritable. Good GOD am I irritable. Though I'm still practicing being mindful and being in the moment, I don't feel any joy or happiness - just empty and irritable and down. I try to keep myself focused and busy and present. I try not to think about the past or the future. I try not to worry. But I keep sliding further down that slope.
I see M next week (after not seeing him last week or this week - too long for me to go between sessions), so I'm going to be talking to him about it. I don't know if I should make an appointment with Dr. C to try adding a different antidepressant or if I should keep waiting this out.
It's just annoying. Stop Cymbalt because of side effects (when I was finally feeling better) which threw me into a mixed episode. Coming out of the mixed episode to be left with the depression coming back. I really AM getting worried that this is how I'm going to be for the rest of my life - in a constant, losing battle with my moods.
And that's a scary thought.
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