So About Work . . .

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I was in the nursery (meaning going to deliveries - every delivery) and we were steady - we did 6 deliveries. Overall, I would say that it was a good day.

Now, having said that, I did noticed some definite deficits.

First and foremost - cognition. I was processing things more slowly. Luckily, in a life or death situation (I did a resuscitation on the baby in my first delivery), I was good. Snap, on-the-fly decisions came without hesitation - my critical thinking wasn't affected.

When it came to prioritizing things - charting, making charts, phone calls, lab draws, circumcision checks . . . I was not so good. I was slow to process and I had a hard time focusing and concentrating. You might want to say "but Cami, it was your first day back after 5 weeks off." And I would say yep, you're right - but I shouldn't have issues with this kind of stuff. I'm the most organized, efficient person at work.

Or at least I was.

Next - exhaustion. By 1pm I was done with people. Done. The fact that I had to interact at all was too much for me. I became withdrawn and flat, saying little. I felt mentally and emotionally drained. I felt tired. I found it difficult to be present.

And lastly - myself. Yes, I was a problem. Which is quite stupid, if you ask me. I was a problem because I had high expectations of myself - and I didn't meet these expectations. The day was both harder and easier than I thought it would be. I had a preconceived notion that I was going to fail miserably - and I didn't. So easier. But I didn't meet my high expectations, so harder.

See, my problem is the deficits. With each mood episode you get worse. Where as 2.5 years ago I was 100%, now I'm functioning at maybe 87%. And it will continue to get worse. I notice these deficits. I've been noticing them get worse over the last year (most notably over the last 4 months). And for me that's devastating. To not be able to function at my best, especially at work, is just not okay.

And I'm starting to beat myself up over it which could cause a downward spiral. I'm doing my best to curb the negative thoughts and for now I'm succeeding. It's just that they keep coming. Negative thoughts, what-ifs, and doubt is all trying to creep in. I don't want to function at 87% - I want to be 100%. I should be 100%.

"Shoulds" are bad. "Shoulds" make you feel bad. Part of my problem.

The other issue is whether or not I go part time. I honestly think that for right now, part time would be best for me. A little less work, a little less stress, a little more recovery time. I think it's what I need.

But I have a strong work ethic. And I feel like I'll be letting people down.

I also feel I have an obligation to my family. If I go part time we'll have a major shift in how we're living - namely, foreclosing on our house, filing bankruptcy, and moving into a rental house. That's a lot to process and that whole situation is based on what I chose to do.

How fucking terrifying is that??

I feel all this pressure to perform, to perform well, and make everything be okay. Most of it is probably put on by myself and my expectations, but I can't change that that's how I feel.

And I'm not catastrophizing - I should get that out there. I'm actually trying to minimize everything. I'm trying not to catastrophize. I'm trying to be practical.

Well, there you have it. There are deficits. I'm at 87% instead of 100%. I'm terrified of what going part time means, even though I think it would be better for me. Boom. Done.