Internal Struggle

I have a pretty awesome internal struggle going on right now. Of the kind that causes anguish, fear, nausea and the trots (no really - I totally have the trots). Here's what's up:

Yesterday hubs and I made a huge decision - one that completely changes our lives.

We're going to foreclose on our house and file bankruptcy.

Why? Because of my stupid fucking brain. No joke. I'm going to be going part time to give myself a break, decrease my stress level, and hopefully keep my stability longer than a month. Which means we can't afford to stay in our house.

The decision is made, we know what we're doing. So then why the internal struggle . . . ?

Because I am me and I suck.

I like to self sabotage. I do it subconsciously, but I do it. I had this revelation almost 8 months ago. Since then I've been working on curbing it. And I've done relatively well.

But this . . . this is difficult. It's a shitty situation and exceedingly stressful at best. And then you throw in my marginally stable, self sabotaging mind and, well, you get the idea.

Today I've been pretty down. I keep having negative thoughts invade my mind. I keep thinking about how all of this is happening because of me. This wasn't supposed to be how things played out. I was going to be better and move on and work and everything was going to be perfect and fall into place. I should be better. We shouldn't have to do this. It's my fault. If only I was stronger or not sick or sucked it up more . . .

See the trend? Great fodder for a downward spiral. And 9 months ago the spiral would have been immediate and devastating.

But not now. Not today. Because I know more about myself. Because I know that I can self sabotage. And because, while technically this turn of events is because of me, I know that my health and my ability to be a wife and a mother are more important than the house. We'll find a house to rent. And eventually we'll buy again. In the big scheme of things, this isn't all that bad.

Now, that being said, this isn't easy. I'm fighting against everything that is me. I'm fighting against my nature, my coping mechanisms. And it is anything but easy. Stopping the negative thoughts is exhausting. It takes energy. It drains me. It would be so much easier to give in. Give up and give in.

But I don't want to. I really don't want to. I don't want to be sick anymore. I can't be sick anymore. So I'm going to fight it and curb the negative thoughts and not start a pity party of one.

My health is more important than the house. My health is more important than the house. 

(I'll probably need to say that several more times)