Not even sure what to write. Since I stopped the Abilify, I've been sleeping better and the fog is slowly clearing. However, the one thing that I still have is this feeling of emptiness. I still feel like an empty shell of who I really am. Flat and withdrawn. My smiles feel forced and fake. It's especially difficult at work because there's so many people I have to interact with. I don't want people to know anythings wrong.
On another note, I've now gained 10 pounds thanks to the lithium. Which is fucking annoying. Now I have 20 pounds to lose, rather than the 10 I originally was trying to lose. I'm on a 1700 calorie diet and I'm hitting the gym 3-4 days a week and still gaining quickly. A friend of mine is sending me the Insanity Workout DVDs to try. Hopefully those, coupled with the gym, reduced calorie diet, and eventually going off my Lithium, will help and I can lose the weight. Because right now I'm pissed and depressed about it.

Friday

Writing this is actually difficult right now. The fog is so bad I have trouble focusing and forming coherent thoughts. But I wanted to get out how I feel right now. Which is numb. I don't really feely anything. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not even mediocre. I feel nothing. Empty. Like a husk or a shadow, going through the motions with no real emotion to anything. I may laugh, but I don't feel it. I may get irritable, but even that is deadened and short lived. I feel no sorrow or pain. I punched the elevater wall today at work and even that brief shot of pain brought no feeling with it.
Empty.
I had my hubby pick up some alcoholic beverages tonight, hoping to get a buzz and at least feel that. I can't keep going on like this. I'm stopping the Abilify. Now. No more. I can't be this shell of a person. I can't do it any more. People at work are starting to notice and to ask questions and I can't keep coming up with excuses.
I'd rather deal with a mixed episode right now than this (though I may regret it later - who knows?). I don't really know which is better. All I know is that I'm sick of this and I wish I was better. I can't really put it more elloquently at the moment, sorry for that. I blame this miserable fog.

Thursday

I got up way too early this morning. 4am, to be exact. I've read, I've farted around on the internet, and now I'm writing. I had my appointments with M and Dr. C yesterday and both went well. I always look forward to therapy - it's such a release for me and I leave feeling better than when I arrived.
One thing that's disconcerting is the number of meds I'm on. In my last post, I brought up the weight gain. Thank you Lithium. To counteract that, we're starting me on Lamictal, and will be lowering the dose of Lithium I'm on to lessen the weight gain effects. Also, I'm still on the Abilify and Lexapro. FOUR meds for my stupid bipolar. Thankfully, I should be off of the Lexapro in 1-2 months and I may be off the Abilify in 1-2 weeks. We'll see. But probably still on both the Lamictal and Lithium. How annoying. Well, what can you do?
A coworker gave me something interesting the other day. A study on macronutrients. Basically taking high doses of vitamins and minerals to get off medications. She has depression and was on Zoloft and started this regime of supplements and powders and was able to stop her zoloft. Now, I'm all for natural stuff, but at $90 a month and around 32 capsules a day . . .how is that any different? Plus, I don't think mega vitamins will help someone with bipolar. I want studies, not testimony. People will give you whatever testimony you want if you pay them. I think it's a bunch a bunk.
Anyway. I'm rambling. This post is just scattered ramblings of someone who's been up for an hour and a half and who now needs to get ready for work. And make a nice pot of decaff coffee.
Over the next week or two I'll be chronicling my mental fog to see if the lowered dose of Abilify is working or I need to stop it. I'll try and write more often so I can hopefully see if there is a difference in how I'm feeling. I'm actually hoping to get off of it. we'll see. If the fog clears, I guess I'll stay on it.

Tuesday

So remember that brain fog? Yeah, still here. I don't think it's as bad since I lowered my Lithium dose, but it's still there. I feel lost in it. And frustrated.
Today the depression is back. I feel withdrawn, cranky. I want to stare at the wall and do nothing. But the fog makes that difficult because I can't focus and it makes me feel like I need to sleep. But I can't nap very well any more. I tried yesterday and failed. My brain still won't turn off. I feel like crying. The tears are welling up but I can't let them fall. Not now. My son is here. I don't want him to see me like that. This is all so very tiring and fucking stupid and I'm sick of it. I was feeling better, like myself, and then everything has to go to shit again. I can be analytical and point out that this is all the bipolar talking - the illness. But it's hard to be analytical when you feel this way.
And to add insult to injury, I've gained 6 pounds thanks to my medications. And I can tell. The mood swings and fog and recurring depression aren't enough. The instability and irritability isn't enough. The cost isn't enough. No, lets add weight gain in there as well. And I've been going to the gym. I'm trying to eat better. And still I gain 6 fucking pounds. I weigh almost as much as I did when I was fucking pregnant. 5 more pounds and I'm at my final pregnancy weight. 25 to lose to be pre-pregnancy. The task is daunting.
I had signed my hubby and I up for a mud race in August and I need to be in shape for that. Even losing 10 pounds seems insurmountable by then. Especially since the depression zaps my energy and will to do anything.
I hate this. So bad. Fuck bipolar disorder.

Thursday

I had another very good and successful therapy session yesterday with M. We talked about my past week, how I spontaneously applied for a new job position (oncology) without even thinking about it and subsequently had a major panic attack. (that type of behavior is very manic behavior). Talked about ways to curb the impulsiveness that goes along with my illness (so I don't make a mistake I regret). And talked a bit about my mum and then about my constant brain fog.
This mental fog I'm in is getting bad. And each day, it gets worse. By the end of the day, I physically and mentally can't focus and have difficulty even forming words. I feel as though I'm moving in slow motion through a thick sludge and it saps all my energy in doing so. I have trouble concentrating, thinking, focusing, speaking, staying awake. It's a horrible feeling that makes me want to scream and cry. I'm pretty positive it has to do with my medications. This is one of the side effects of Lithium and, well, we increased my dose of Lithium 4 weeks ago and the fog started 3 weeks ago. It may be as simple as decreasing the Lithium. It may mean that I have to switch medications and start all over again (which would suck, mind you). We'll see. I sent Dr. C an email about it and I see him next Wednesday. Wednesday can't come soon enough.
At least, still, for the most part the depression and manic symptoms are staying away. Just gotta get rid of the fog now.

Happy Easter

It's been awhile since I've written, mainly because I've been so tired the last 3 weeks and in a brain fog any time after 3pm. However, I actually feel more like myself than I have in a long time. How long? Six months.
Yes, this present mood episode has been going on for 6 months. Six months of depression, mania, and mixed episodes. Six months of extreme irritability, anger, unpredictability, despair, sorrow, happiness, confusion . . .
But I've broken through, and I feel like myself now. Not entirely - I need to break through this brain fog - but so much better. I know it'll take a lot of work on my part to stay stable. But I'm up for the challenge. There's no taking a back seat in bipolar disorder.
What I have done so far is to cut out caffeine and get my butt in the gym. Next on the agenda is to cut out as many simple carbs and sugars as I can - meaning white flour, cookies, cakes, etc. Also I'll be adding as much fruit and veggies as I can, as well as lean meats and nuts. The less processed, the better. I've got my books, I'm learning a lot about bipolar, I have my therapist, my friends, my family.
I'm doing well and I intend to stay that way.