Friday

Writing this is actually difficult right now. The fog is so bad I have trouble focusing and forming coherent thoughts. But I wanted to get out how I feel right now. Which is numb. I don't really feely anything. Not happy, not sad, not depressed, not even mediocre. I feel nothing. Empty. Like a husk or a shadow, going through the motions with no real emotion to anything. I may laugh, but I don't feel it. I may get irritable, but even that is deadened and short lived. I feel no sorrow or pain. I punched the elevater wall today at work and even that brief shot of pain brought no feeling with it.
Empty.
I had my hubby pick up some alcoholic beverages tonight, hoping to get a buzz and at least feel that. I can't keep going on like this. I'm stopping the Abilify. Now. No more. I can't be this shell of a person. I can't do it any more. People at work are starting to notice and to ask questions and I can't keep coming up with excuses.
I'd rather deal with a mixed episode right now than this (though I may regret it later - who knows?). I don't really know which is better. All I know is that I'm sick of this and I wish I was better. I can't really put it more elloquently at the moment, sorry for that. I blame this miserable fog.