Tuesday

So remember that brain fog? Yeah, still here. I don't think it's as bad since I lowered my Lithium dose, but it's still there. I feel lost in it. And frustrated.
Today the depression is back. I feel withdrawn, cranky. I want to stare at the wall and do nothing. But the fog makes that difficult because I can't focus and it makes me feel like I need to sleep. But I can't nap very well any more. I tried yesterday and failed. My brain still won't turn off. I feel like crying. The tears are welling up but I can't let them fall. Not now. My son is here. I don't want him to see me like that. This is all so very tiring and fucking stupid and I'm sick of it. I was feeling better, like myself, and then everything has to go to shit again. I can be analytical and point out that this is all the bipolar talking - the illness. But it's hard to be analytical when you feel this way.
And to add insult to injury, I've gained 6 pounds thanks to my medications. And I can tell. The mood swings and fog and recurring depression aren't enough. The instability and irritability isn't enough. The cost isn't enough. No, lets add weight gain in there as well. And I've been going to the gym. I'm trying to eat better. And still I gain 6 fucking pounds. I weigh almost as much as I did when I was fucking pregnant. 5 more pounds and I'm at my final pregnancy weight. 25 to lose to be pre-pregnancy. The task is daunting.
I had signed my hubby and I up for a mud race in August and I need to be in shape for that. Even losing 10 pounds seems insurmountable by then. Especially since the depression zaps my energy and will to do anything.
I hate this. So bad. Fuck bipolar disorder.