I don't know exactly what this post will be about. Maybe
everything, maybe nothing. I have a sneaking suspicion it will be stream
of consciousness about everything bugging me and going through my head
and controlling me right now. And that's a lot.
I think I'll start with my artwork, my paintings. My
painting has been at a fever pitch - neurotic and fast paced, an
ever-pressing NEED to get as many done as soon as possible, yesterday if
I can and I have to keep up the pace because if I don't, what then?
What will I do then? And I need (and have) more and more ideas that need
to come out, and they need out NOW, they need to be on paper. And I've
been going on and on like this for, I don't know, 3-4 weeks? J has
pointed it out to me and I'm trying to be more aware. But I feel anxious
if I can't paint. Because it's this NEED.
And then, there's this opportunity to maybe have my work
seenby other people, to be used in a presentation by my psychiatrist and
therapist, maybe be in a magazine. And that's exciting and amazing and
wonderful and I've had good feedback about how powerful my work is and
how it may help other people going through what I've been dealing with.
How awesome is that? So or course I need to paint more. More and more
pictures and they need to be done now. And I need digital prints made
for the presentation and magazine (if that happens) and I need those
done NOW. And I'm frantic about it, and anxious and I feel like time is
slipping away to get it done. If we don't do it NOW, it won't get done.
Ever.
Now, couple that with this almost crippling fear about
having all of that done with my work. You know why? I don't think it's
good enough. I don't think people will like or relate to it, despite
what they've said. They're just being nice. I want so badly for my work
to be out there and be seen, to help others, but I'm convinced that none
of it will happen, it's pointless to even try, so why bother?
And so I'm stuck. I want my work out there and I paint
(and enjoy it, let's not forget that) frantically, eratically, so
focused on the task that I have blinders on to everything else. But I'm
so convinced that none of it matters anyway, that I feel guilty and
sheepish and stupid and defeated. All of this swirls in my head almost
constantly. I worry that if I sit down to paint J will say or think
something negative or critisize me or get upset or angry because I'm
doing that and not something else. I've almost become frozen.
Now, the next "big" issue is my work. My work which
everyone thinks is so wonderful and amazing and oh my God you must LOVE
your job! No, actually, I don't. It's boring and not particularly
challenging. What do I do? I deliver babies. Not quite all the time - I
work on post-partum too (moms who have delivered). Post-partum is
BORING. So boring. Unless there's a post-partum hemmorhage, or code or
eclamptic seizure. Then: fun. The other section I work in is the
nursery. I attend every delivery and my job is the baby. Only the baby.
This part is a little more fun and challenging because you never know
what you're going to get - a healthy pink crying baby, or a limp blue
one with no respiratory effort (my favorite ones, actually - and no, I'm
not joking. I love a good ressusitation).
But the sad thing is, I'm still not happy there most days. I'll have fun with my friends and other coworkers, but my job is mostly routine, no real changes, no real challenge. I've become a bit bitter. I can get snippy, too judgmental, less empathetic and I hate that about myself. That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be. Well, try to stay positive! You know what? I do. I try damn hard to stay positive, to curb judgmental thoughts when they arise and to try and have fun and keep my anger in check. And it's hard. But that's just the name of the game.
So what do I want to do? I've always said oncology, but something else seems to have a stronger pull on me: psych nursing. Yep. Working with crazies like me. I mean, why not? I know how shitty and out of control you can feel. I can relate to them on many levels. And wouldn't it be nice to help someone like me? I think quite a few people would think me stupid or daft or all sorts of things if I told them I wanted to do psych nursing (in-patient psych, hopefully). I think some people would think it's a phase and it will pass. And who the fuck knows, maybe it is just a phase and it will pass. However, again, I've been wanting to do something different for 2 years and only haven't because of fear. And this is an area I'm very interested in. Hell, I even ordered books on therapeutic communication and will be ordering a general psych book as well.
But still, I'm scared. I'm worried about leaving my friends, the familiarity, and the level of expertise that comes with working in the same area for almost 5 years. Change is scary. I'm back and forth too on when is a good time to really start looking. Why? I'm worried about mood instability. I'm admittedly not handling stress very well at the moment. And to start a new job, with new people, in a new place, with new expectations, and stay stable and level headed is a tall order right now. The minor stresses over the last 3 days have me on a roller coaster of emotions again. Should I just jump in and go for it? Do I wait until I'm more stable? I have no idea.
Of course, in the meantime, I figured "Hey! Since we want to leave so bad, but are just scared to do so, lets go ahead and sign up for our RNC exam and apply for the charge nurse position on the floor!" Yeah. Way to go self. (the RNC exam, by the way, is a national level test you take showing that you're an expert in your field of nursing - you get more fancy letters behind your name and and extra $1.50 and hour). So now I've got these 2 things - the RNC, which I already paid my $300 to take, and taking on a charge nurse position. The charge position will at least look good on my resume . . .
Fuck. There's more. But I'm too tired to focus and type. I'll write tomorrow I suppose This turned into quite the long rant. Oops.
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