I'm very close to having my insanely long post finished. It's a post on being an adult child of an alcoholic and it's way more in depth than I ever imagined it would be. I've learned so much about myself in writing it. Both good and bad. And the bad things, well, I don't want to deal with. They're hard to admit, but admit and write about and post them I will. Because I need to. If I'm ever going to truly move forward, I need to face my demons.
I'm hoping to have it posted today or tomorrow - it depends on how much more I'm able to write today. So a quick update over the last couple of days: I've felt better. Happy even. My irritability has still been ever present and at some points through the roof, but I'm working on it. I'm trying to calm down, slow down, and not be as frantic about things. I still feel tearful at times for no apparent reason. And this morning, after I dropped my son of at school I was listening to the end of a song before I got out of my truck. And I thought about how nice it would be to stay there. To sit in my running truck and breathe in the exhaust fumes and go to sleep. To sleep and not wake up. And I got out and went inside and noted, out loud, that I was not suicidal, that I wasn't feeling suicidal - because I wasn't. But I have those thoughts every few days, sometimes every day. And I note them and move on. I've learned that many people who are bipolar have those thoughts. And that's okay. Annoying, but okay.
And I'm trying to continue to be okay and to move on and I am to some extent. And I will be okay.
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