I'm so bloody tired

I am so. Bloody. Tired. I haven't been sleeping well the past 4-5 nights. And when I say not sleeping well, I mean 2-3 hours a night. My mind is racing the minute my head touches the pillow. I even resorted to taking a klonopin the night before last. At least then I got 6 hours of sleep.

And there's been a lot going on. Mentally, emotionally. I'm getting so stressed over everything and angry and I just want to cry. I could cry at any given moment for no reason. I'm trying not to catastrophize things, but sometimes it's hard not to.

I had therapy on Thursday. We talked about work - I'm very stressed about work (I'll save the details for another post). I was almost in tears the whole time. I didn't cry, but it was there. I had brought my 3 latest paintings and we talked about those. I also asked him what he and Dr. C had been talking about the previous week - as they had been talking about me. And M said that they're worried about me. When they saw all of my paintings laid out before them (they had 30 of them), they were overwhelmed. The honestly couldn't go through them all because they were a little too powerful and distressing. But here's the thing - they're worried about me. About my state of mind, about my emotional well-being. I think I mentioned that Dr. C says I'm one of the worst cases of bipolar depression he's seen in awhile. M said that he's very glad that we're doing weekly sessions. And I do know that they consult each other back and forth about patients in general, and certainly about me.

And here's the thing - I know they care. I do. I always think though - I'm not that special. I wonder if they do this with other patients, this almost seemingly preferential treatment (for me, meaning using my paintings in a presentation, sharing them with other people, taking what seems to be special interest in me . . .I don't know). Or if it just feels that way. I would think it just feels that way. I feel a very strong connection to both, but I'm sure all of their patients do. And I'm nothing special. I don't even know why I'm bringing it up. Fuck it.

Anyway, my moods have been everywhere. Horrible stress at work. Melancholy to depressed feelings. Thursday before therapy was bad. Having those naughty suicidal thoughts again. But trying to look alright. Insane anger and stress and frustration and hopelessness at work. Extreme exhaustion. Some happiness, fleetingly. Most of the time I'm in this down state, pushing on through because there's nothing else I can do. Feeling numb to most things except the irritability. And it really is frustrating and stupid. It's no way to move through life. It seems I can't quite move through this stage. I wonder if this is just how I am. Numb. Little flits of happiness, extreme bouts of depression, and the rest of the time, numb.

I think I'll end this now. I'm so very tired, and I want to sleep. Later I may read through this and add to it. I don't know. Soon I'll be writing my "work" post. Next couple of days I think.