PENIS!

This post has nothing to do with penises. I just felt that that was an appropriate title.

Or not.

Let's dive right in, shall we? On Friday, I worked with Chance (therapy horse). My mind was racing and I had to speak deliberately and slowly. If I didn't, my words jumbled together because they were coming out so fast. I felt withdrawn and irritable. So I didn't really do much with Chance. I was just . . .there. I groomed him. Meticulously. He had a huge knot in his mane and I spent quite a bit of time combing it out. I talked with the therapist (Ju) and my trainer (N) while doing this. Trying to relay my state of mind and the struggles I've been having with mania. I tried to lead Chance, but I couldn't - I couldn't clear my mind and focus. So I stood there with him and brushed him, leaned on him, and was there with him. Ju and N suggested that I put my hands on him and count his breaths. I couldn't. Numbers made my brain move faster. So instead, I leaned against him, my whole body, and laid my head on his side. I tried to match my breathing with his. And I could, and my mind slowed, and I felt like crying. I felt like curling into a ball and crying.

But I didn't. I talked some more and my words came easily. I didn't have to think about each one before I spoke it. And I felt better. When I left, I made it about half a mile before I had to pull over. I was crying so hard I couldn't see. I sobbed, big, ugly, wailing sobs for 15 minutes. Horrible sobs wracked with anguish. I let them come. I think I needed it. Though I don't know why. It took me another 10 minutes or so after crying before I felt I could drive home.

The rest of the day I felt pretty crappy. And Saturday I felt crappy. Down and very irritable. More stable - not rapid mood swings like I've been having - but still crappy. And Sunday, better, stable, still irritable.

And today I've felt . . .I don't know how I've felt. Irritable as fuck. Impulsive and saying a few inappropriate things. Down. I feel again like I want to cry. I'll perk up suddenly with crazy energy and say bizarre things and then I'm back down - as if nothing at all happened. I mean within minutes.

So this has been stupid. I work the next 2 days and then it's mini vacation time in Breckenridge complete with an awesome horseback riding day. This will be good.

In other news, I'm going to slowly introduce a few select sources of gluten back into my life. Mainly whole grain breads, some baking flours. Here's the thing - I feel better physically, I do - but I think that has more to do with the fact that I'm cooking our meals from scratch - not from being gluten free. I've had regular bread twice with no noticeable side effects. I'm having regular bread again tomorrow. If I continue to not have side effects, then I will have select sources of gluten. I will continue, of course, to cook our meals from scratch.

Well, that's all for now. Time to finish my ice cream, fart around on Pinterest, and go to bed.