You know what's annoying?

Me. That's what. Well, let's be more specific. It's not me - it's my bipolar. And more specific than that? My mood swings. See, I keep forgetting something - bipolar disorder is a disease. A progressive disease. And every day I have to fight for my right (no, not to party), but to live. I actually have to fight for my right to live. Some days that fight is easy - I don't even have to think about it. Everything flows beautifully. I'm happy and kind and easygoing and optimistic.

And then there are the bad days. The ones where the fight is an all out war over my mind and emotions and I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth and nothing goes right and I'll never get better and why why do I have to keep doing this?? Those days . . .suck. And I'm so irritable on those days. Okay, let's be honest. I'm a raging bitch (good GOD my poor family!).

I have to remind myself that I'm going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life. Every day is different. Hell, every moment is different. And all I can do is cope and go along for the ride.

I've been getting in the habit of beating myself up over my bad days. This doesn't work. It isn't helpful. It makes things worse. So I'm trying hard to curb this habit and get back to mindfulness (which, by the way,  is a HELL of a lot harder to do now that I've been off the Cymbalta awhile). I've even caught myself catastrophizing certain things. Feelings and thoughts mostly. Mannerisms, ways of thinking. Even had the thought of "I just want to die" cross my mind. Squelched that one though.

What's frustrating too is the progressiveness of the disease. That with each major mood episode you tend to get worse. Each episode is worse, recovery takes longer. What a horrid thought that is! And the progressive bit I've noticed the most is cognition. I'm much more forgetful, easily distracted and I have trouble concentrating and staying focused.

I've also been more withdrawn. I don't have any desire to interact with people. I have to with coworkers and patients, but other than that . . . please, just leave me alone (well, including coworkers - I avoid them if I can). That's sad, isn't it? I don't know. Just one way I cope I suppose.

Let's mention something that's going well - all my horsey stuff! Working with Chance of course (who did AMAZING in the round pen with me yesterday - which is a statement about ME - if you've ever done work in the round pen with a horse you know what I'm talking about). And I have another lady I'm going to be working with for horsemanship. Bridling and saddling the horse, working on my riding form, basic care and feeding, etc. Lot's of good horsey stuff. Hopefully I can keep finding more good horsey stuff. Hopefully I can continue to carry over the lessons from the horses to my every day life.

And hopefully I can remember that each day is a new fight, and that I can neither win nor lose - I can only be.