And yes, I'm late. Sue me.
Not really. Don't sue me. I have no money.
So a new
year is upon us, and this is a time that most of us make new year's
resolutions, yeah? It always seems they're the same ones too: to lose
weight, eat healthier, budget money. . . And it seems most of us have
given up on them in the first 1-2 months.
Well I fart on those resolutions and that percieved
failure. Usually I don't make resolutions, but this year I did. I felt I
needed to - it was almost a compulsion.
My Resolutions:
1. I resolve to invite more humor into my life and not take myself so seriously.
2. I resolve to be nicer to myself and not beat myself up if things aren't perfect.
3. I resolve to find at least 3 things a day to be thankful for.
4. I resolve to try and be more positive in any and every area I can.
5. I resolve to live life in the moment.
6. I resolve not to stress over or over react to things outside of my control.
7. And, most importantly, I resolve to love myself. Because if I can't love myself, how can I love anyone else?I honestly think that these resolutions, at least several of them, will be difficult to follow sometimes. Specifically numbers 2, 4 and 6. Why? Because, inherently, it seems to be my nature to beat myself up and be mostly negative and stress and get frustrated over stupid stuff. I guess I'm a "glass half empty" kinda gal.
But I'm going to try. And I'm going to succeed most of the time. Because I have to.
As an aside, and pertaining to resolution number 4, I've been trying to stay positive. I've been trying quite hard. After my therapy session on Wednesday, I felt I needed to put my foot down and make a change. A change for the better. Take control of myself because I can't keep going on how I have been.
One thing I'm doing is completely changing my diet. Staying away from processed foods as much as I can. Eating as little sugar and refined flours as I can. No coffee, no soda (tea yes. My new addiction - only caffeine free though). Cooking as many meals at home as I can using natural ingredients. Tons of fruit and veggies. I'm hoping by staying away from the processed foods and preservatives and added sugar and salt, my mood will improve slightly and my overall health too.
I'm still exercising as often as I can and still boxing and kickboxing. I'm thinking of adding yoga - the calming, centering yoga. We'll see.
More art. Always more art. My painting is still going strong, and I'll keep painting for as long as I keep seeing the images in my mind. I'll be getting back into sewing as well.
A goal I've set for myself , that I'll start working on this year, is writing my book. It's a lofty goal, let's be honest. But it needs to be done. It needs to come out. I don't know if it will ever be published - I hope so. . . .
Thursday and Friday I worked. And I had two pretty good days. I made them that way. I stayed positive, I laughed, I joked, I felt a little more like myself. I was positive. Granted, on Friday I was starting to get a little hypomanic, going a little overboard. And I am going to need to watch that. But I was positive and I had two pretty darn good days. Proud of myself.
Today started out good. I was positive, in a good mood. J, our son and I were out and about most of the day running errands and had lunch. Driving downtown, our son, A, asked if we would be scared if we were on the top of one of the buildings looking down. J and I both stated we wouldn't be up there in the first place because it would be scary.
Which is true.
And guess what my mind did. Suicidal ideation. Exactly what would it feel like to jump? That free fall before you hit the pavement. Would it indeed be scary? Liberating? Thrilling? Nothing? I pictured myself jumping . . . .over and over. My mood darkened. I ignored it. I tried to stay positive. I pushed those thoughts away and tried to bury them but they persisted. They stayed. And my mood darkened. I became very irritable and snapped at both J and A. And I felt bad and I beat myself up over it. I don't deserve them. I'm a moody, unpredictable bitch and a burden. My mood darkened.
When we got home I went into the bathroom and cried. I cried the ugly cry where you have snot dripping and your makeup runs and you make inhuman, guttural noises. I cried and I cried. I cried until my eyes were bloodshot and swollen and I had used almost an entire roll of toilet paper as kleenex.
J came in to check on me and hugged me and gave me the time I needed. When I felt okay to leave my sanctuary next to the toilet, A gave me a huge hug and told me he loved me and J did the same. And then acted inappropriately to make me laugh. And my two best friends must have sensed something was up because they both texted me right after and they were random silly texts that made me laugh. Then J went to the store and bought me pie because I wanted pie.
And the point of this, this rambling, is that after I felt so bad and cried and was full of despair and sorrow . . .I felt okay. I feel okay. And tomorrow I'll try to be positive and I'll make it a good day. Part of living in the moment is accepting that sometimes I'm going to feel like shit. Some days I'm going to cry and feel empty and hopeless and like I want to die. And at those times, it's okay for me to let myself experience it and cry and get out whatever I need to get out (as long as I'm not a threat to myself). That's okay. It doesn't mean I'm a failure. It doesn't mean that I'm always going to feel like that.
And likewise I'm allowed to revel in and enjoy myself when I feel good. I'll be living in the moment. Each moment is different and they constantly change. Today I was good, then horrible, and then pretty okay again. I didn't let the horrible ruin it.
Completely changing the subject, I'm hoping to bring more humor to this blog as well. More examples from my life of the stupid shit I do and say. Expect more sarcasm and overall silliness. No more constant doom and gloom and suicide and cutting. There will still be posts like that - this is my personal diary - but it needs humor and spice. And hopefully a larger readership.
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