To die, or not to die . . .

To die, or not to die, that is the question.

What kind of question, exactly, is that? The answer is obvious, isn't it?

Well, no. It's not obvious if you have depression. Not all the time at least. And I'm not talking about the normal "downs" that people get. I'm talking about that all encompassing blackness that all but smothers you. The darkness that hits you like a runaway freight train hell bent on making you feel worthless. It weighs you down and takes away your drive for laughter, for love, for life.

That depression. Where you feel everything is pointless and worthless and nothing will ever change no matter what you do. No matter what you do, it makes no difference.

To die, or not to die. In those instances, this question is all too relevant. Even those of us who are "smart", who know better, who know that depression lies and that things will get better . . .even those of us face this question.

To die, or not to die. I've faced this question two major times in the past year - and both times I came very close to the wrong answer. I've toyed with it over and over again, rolling it over in my mind, trying to dissect and understand it. Suicide is on my mind most days. Not active thoughts . . .passive ones. But they're there, always there.

To die, or not to die. On my dark days, the question is more pressing. In a single day it's easier to push aside and ignore. When it's a series of dark days . . .it's much harder. That calming darkness beckons, offering me solace when everything else seems so bleak, so pointless. To die . . .it feels so much easier than the alternative. It's done. Over. No more pain, no more fear, no more emptiness. It sounds so nice . . .

To die, or not to die. It sounds so nice except that I don't want to die. I don't want to leave those I love and who love me. I want the pain to end. I want the hopelessness and emptiness and worthlessness to end. I want the pain to end. But I don't want to die. I don't want to die. And still, in those darkest moments of mine, I almost made the wrong choice. Even though I want to live.

To die, or not to die. I don't want to face this question again. Sadly, I know I will . . . I just don't know when.