Rawr.
I worked Thursday and Friday after having 6 days off to deal with my depression at home. Thursday sucked. Hard. I had a difficult time not breaking down and crying all day. I felt withdrawn and fake, tired and mentally drained. But I made it through the day. I seriously considered calling in on Friday, or at least being first request off. It wouldn't have mattered though - we were crazy busy yesterday. 8 deliveries. And it was a better day. I think because it was so busy I didn't have time to let my feelings get the better of me. What I noticed though, and it's something I really don't like, was my bitterness. I've become a little cynical and jaded, a little angry at random people. Random stupid and closed minded people. I won't go into detail, but I had to keep anger in check. I don't like that. It's something I need to work on. I know it comes with the depression, but it has to stop.
I had a bit of a revelation yesterday. I was looking at the job postings online for Centura and saw a posting for oncology. My heart sped, I immediately opened the posting, thinking to myself oh GAWD I hope I still have my resume in my email, only to be let down because it was a night shift position. My heart sank. I seriously almost cried. (if you're wondering, I in no way can handle a night shift - I tried and I failed at it). But this chance and fleeting moment showed me something - I know where my next move should be. I've been contemplating changing areas for awhile but I didn't know what I wanted to do. Now . . . I know. Oncology. Something I had an interest in when I was in nursing school but put by the way side when I went to the birth center. At least I have some clarity.
Also, on a sadder note, I found out last night that my uncle has lymphoma. I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet, but I know he had surgery and has started chemo (all this happened in the last 2 weeks or so). My Uncle Fred was my surrogate father after my dad died and this news hit me hard. Lymphoma tends to be treatable, so I'll stay positive. It's just . . . my grandpa died of lymphoma, my dad died of lung cancer (he was only 43) and I can't have my uncle gone too.
Thinking about it, it's not so strange that I'm interested in moving to oncology. With all the cancer in my family, with my own bout of cervical cancer (and a breast cancer scare and removal of a pre-cancerous lesion from my face) it's not surprising.
Get better pretty Fred, I love you.