I'm having a particularly difficult time this evening. Funny, because I had a pretty good day. Today was my first day alone since Thursday and I thought I would have a hard time. I did have a small panic attack, but I got over it quickly. But as I type this, I can feel both depression and anxiety trying to overcome me.
Again I feel like crying for no reason, or just sleeping and sleeping and sleeping. Again I feel my heart racing, the shortness of breath and shaky all over feeling. And again I am reminded that I am a work in progress, not whole or finished yet. This has, by far, been the most difficult thing I've gone through. More so than cervical cancer, my hysterectomy, my breast cancer scare. More than ever I feel powerless and out of control.
I've dealt with depression before - numerous times. Why is this time so different? Why is this time so much worse? This is horrible and stupid and I want to be done with it. I want to be better. I want to be me.
Saturday and Sunday went so well. Today went so well. And now I'm crashing again. I'm trying not to - believe me, I am. Which is why I'm writing this right now. I'm hoping to gain some insight to what I'm feeling.
What I think triggered it was grocery shopping. Buying things for lunches and remembering that I go back to work on Wednesday. It filled me with dread and anxiety. I don't want to face people. I don't want to explain myself. I don't want to answer questions. Not yet. I'm too fragile. I wish I was stronger.
Fuck.