. . .we realize, we're paralyzed.
Hooray! It's Friday! That's fake enthusiasm, sadly. I've truly been a bit down lately. Down, and irritable as a motherfucker. The past 2 days I could snap at anyone or anything without provocation. I had to struggle to keep it under control. And I mean struggle. Especially because I was at work. And we were stupidly busy because apparently everyone needs to have their baby on the same day.
That constant struggle, having to keep myself in check, is tiring. Very tiring. I don't think people understand that part of bipolar disorder. When you're in a mood cycle you can't cope like other people do. You have to be aware of your mood/state of mind literally every minute or you might say/do something regrettable or worse. And this constant micromanagement takes energy. And this, I'm sure, makes my hyper-irritability even worse. It's a never ending downward spiral.
I guess the good news though is that the mania seems to be subsiding. In fact, it's almost gone. No racing thoughts, no pressured speech, no constant need to move . . . I also haven't had a panic attack in 2 weeks, which is fantastic. All that remains of that is the irritability, which I think can mostly be explained by other factors.
But I'm left with the depression. It's not bad - certainly nothing compared to January when I was suicidal - but it's there, a dead weight on my back I'm forced to carry around. I'm hoping the weight doesn't get heavier. I'm coming out of this mixed episode that started in July. The mania has left me - hopefully the depression will too and I'll be stable again.
On a lighter note, I've lost 14 pounds in the last 8 weeks! Which I'm crazy proud of. Seven more pounds to make my goal! Physically I feel so much better - I've been eating healthy food in the right proportions, avoiding sugar and hitting the gym again. Except I'm going to have to buy new clothes because everything is getting loose. Oh well. I can handle that ;)
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