*sigh*

It's been almost a week since I wrote last. Amazing what a lack of motivation and time will do. I've worked 4 of the last 5 days and the day I was off I was lurching around at the Zombie Crawl in Denver. I've wanted to write - I just haven't had a chance to do so.
I don't even know how I feel anymore. The last 2  days I've had some manic symptoms - racing thoughts, pressured speech, word vomit, and the need to move. But it's transient. It comes and goes. I always feel like I could cry at any given moment, for any reason. This low level depression that's now a constant it seems. And my irritability is building again. Slowly gaining steam.
I spend most of my time withdrawn and flat, trying not to engage people. I'm sure I seem irritable and cranky, not myself. I have "good" moments though - moments where I'm more animated, talkative and laughing. Though I've noticed that these moments seem to coincide with my manic symptoms, go figure.
I'm trying not to feel like this. I'm trying to go out of my way to interact, to control my irritability, to keep the manic symptoms in check. I'm trying - desperately. But most of the time I fail. I'm trying to stay positive, look at all the wonderful and good things in my life and remember that the way I'm feeling is because of  my bipolar disorder - not me. But most of the time I fail.
I feel as if I'm just floating through my life, too emotionally unstable to actively take part. I'm going through the motions, putting up my false front, and pushing through. Everything's fine, I'm doing fine, nothing's wrong.
If only I could convince myself that.