Terribly pissed off today. One, I'm hyper irritable anyway, and two, I've had to work both days of my weekend off. Which sucks fucking balls. So instead of lounging on the couch watching football with my hubby and son, I'm stuck here, by myself, in the nursery with nothing to do.
Except complain, apparently.
Why am I working you ask? Because someone called in "sick". And it just so happens that my friend L and I are the only other ones right now who can do charge. Obviously we don't want to screw each other over, so we split the 12 hours both yesterday and today - she worked 0700-1300 and I'm working 1300-1930. But it pisses me off. And hell, maybe the gal who called in truly IS sick and I just sound like an ass. But you know what? I don't fucking care. She's done this before on a weekend so it raises suspicion.
In other news, I'm still enjoying mild depression and lack of motivation. I don't want to do much of anything if it doesn't involve sleep or working out. It's about all I can muster to do anything more. Which has made me even more snippy on top of my already irritable state of mind. Always a crowd pleaser, I am.
I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I try. I look for things. What keeps me going right now is therapy, support group, and weighing myself at the end of the week. Sounds hollow and stupid, doesn't it? It should be seeing my son and hubby, doing things with them, seeing friends . . .and those things do help - trust me, they do. But in the short term. In the long term, well, I'm hanging on by a thread.
And I know that's the depression talking. It's Ted (if you've read for awhile, you'll remember that I named my depression Ted). It's not me; it's Ted, it's bipolar disorder. But that brings little solace. Not when you're trying to deal with it. What matters is that I'm starting the downward spiral of depression and I can't quite shake it. That's what matters. Not where the thoughts are coming from.
So, yeah. Cranky as fuck and becoming depressed. I do wish I could feel normal. At least part of the time.
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