When I Fall

I wish I could fly
From this building, from this wall . . .
And if I should try
Would you catch me, if I fall . . .
When I fall . . .

Lyrics from one of my favorite Barenaked Ladies songs, and the inspiration behind my latest vent art. I heard this the other day and an image popped into my head - one so powerful for me, that I nearly started crying in the gym (I was working out when it came on). I had to paint it. It captured so perfectly how I've been feeling - like I'm on the edge looking down, contemplating that final jump. Do I jump? Or do I press on?

It's a simple painting, highly stylized, but it came out exactly how I pictured it. There is symbolism in there, the drab greyish colors represent my mood, that blue balloon, more vibrant than everything else, is depression - at the forefront of everything I do - and the sparrow, my hope, my salvation . . .is it leaving me? Or guiding me?

I had therapy today, and again I cried. I feel so lost and frustrated and hopeless. I feel like nothing is getting better and nothing ever will get better. It's a horrible way to feel. A horrible way to be and to live. I just want the nothingness and the emptiness and the despair to go away. But it doesn't. It hangs on like a stubborn parasite that I'm powerless to shake loose.
M though, he's wonderful. So wonderful. He helped me see that there is hope. I've been through a worse depression than this, and I made it out alright. I'll have good days and bad days, moments of happiness in the midst of the hopelessness. I'm doing everything right. I'm doing what I can and what I should to beat this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, however faint it may be.
I do hope M is right. I hope I feel better. I hope my sparrow is guiding me.