I am. I'm feeling VERY self destructive. I want to cut or put my fist through a wall or do something anything to hurt myself. I want to smoke and drink and run away and hide and take all of my klonopin and xanax. I want to do ALL of these things. All of these things that I shouldn't be thinking about, that I shouldn't be wanting to do. All of these things are scary. And not just for me.
My irrational, explosive anger has been almost impossible to keep under wraps. Everything sets me off. Nothing sets me off. I'm annoyed with everything. However small the infraction, the angers swells and grows to the boiling point within minutes. It takes everything I have to not lash out with strings of obscenities and flying fists. It takes everything. I'm left feeling exhausted, empty, frustrated and near tears. And this happens numerous times a day. Five times? Ten? More? All of the above.
Tuesday, in fact, I left work at 0945 because of the above scenario. I couldn't cope. I had a complete mental and emotional breakdown. I saved the crying for the drive home at least. I was ready to strangle someone, or throw all the computers off the desk, or shatter a window or mirror, or take a scalpel to myself. So I left. I went home. I slept. I felt a little better. Wednesday I was a little better, not as irritable, not as volatile. But I still had issues. I still had to use so much energy keeping everything under wraps.
And today. Today. It started out okay. Not too bad. But it didn't last long. Small infractions kept building up. I was having a hard time being okay. My fragile facade was wearing thin. Driving home from support group (which, sadly didn't happen), I seriously considered running my truck into the side rail. Not to kill myself. I don't want to die. But I could be hurt. I could be out of commission for awhile. No work or responsibility. . . But I couldn't. That's not rational. That's not right. That's not me. Besides, I'd be pissed if I couldn't go to the gym.
But the problem is that I'm having these thoughts. I'm so angry/frustrated/irritable/explosive/volatile/teetering on the edge of self destruction; I'm so near tears all the time over everything I'm feeling; I'm so tired of this instability that my mind seems to think that self harm is the answer. I don't know what to do any more. I'm running out of coping mechanisms. Positive readings, meditation, working out, writing, trying to talk . . .it's not working. I'm at a loss.
I need help.
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