Originally I was going to post last night with the title of "watermelons are assholes" (because I broke a nail on the watermelon I was cutting). It was going to be a light-hearted post poking fun at myself, because yesterday was pretty okay. Mood wise I was alright, down, but mostly alright, had therapy yesterday, was mildly productive . . .
But I didn't post. And then today happened. And keep in mind, it's only 10:30am as I write this.
Today, right now, I'm supposed to be at work. And this morning, I was. But my state of mind . . .I couldn't handle work. I was so furious at everything, irrational, uncontrollable anger. Bitterness and hostility like you wouldn't believe. And near tears. So close to crying over everything, over nothing. I literally couldn't cope.
At all.
Luckily there were people on call. Luckily K called someone in to take my patients so I could come home. I tried my best not to cry while driving. I succeeded, sort of. I didn't ball, but the tears came. Over what? Over nothing. Over stress, over tiredness, over the extinction of the dinosaurs. I have no bloody idea. I'm emotionally unstable right now. I could cry or punch a wall in a moments notice. All I want to do is sleep the day away. Just sleep. No waking. Just sleep.
But I have to go into work at 1 for a meeting (one which I would have popped in and out of if still AT work). After the meeting I'm having lithium levels drawn because I think I'm getting toxic. And then? Maybe the gym. The gym helps my moods sometimes. Then I have to face the evening. I know I'll only want to sleep again. Sleeping is easier than coping. Easier than trying to deal with and manage my fragile emotional state.
I don't understand what's going on. I do, on a cognitive level, I truly do. But that doesn't really help. I'm doing everything right. I'm exercising, eating right, being proactive with my meds and the medical side of bipolar. I'm in therapy, I have support and am in a support group. I don't know what else to do. I'm desperate to be okay, to feel okay, and not just every once in awhile. I need to be okay most of the time. It's all I want.
Please, it's all I want.
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