No clever title. I lack the brain capacity for that right now. Very busy at work today - only 5 deliveries, but still very busy. I'm tired. Drained. And a bit off.
I had another down day. It was one where the only thing I wanted to do was beat up on my heavy bag and cry. And do both as much as I needed to to release the negativity. It's hard to do that at work though. People would look at me strange. They may start to talk . . .
Instead, I kept everything bottled up, like I always do. Like I have to. Wearing one of my many masks in order to function and not bring attention to myself. I know I've mentioned before how tiring that is. To hide everything. To play the happy person who's in control, who's strong. Who does not suffer from mental illness. I play that role every day. And I'm quite good at it. Though my facade is faltering as of late. Maybe because I'm tired. Maybe because I've given up a little. Maybe because I don't care to any more.
Maybe all of those things. I wanted to cry today. I did. I was on the verge most of the day. I held the tears back. I can't do that at work. Though I wanted to. Oh how I wanted to. I wanted to leave. Escape. I don't want to work tomorrow. I don't want to wear a mask. I don't want to interact. Why can't I be okay? Completely okay? Why do I have to fight just to function semi-normally? And why can't I believe it's not butter? (let's be honest - that's one of life's great mysteries)
I'm still plugging along. Plowing through each day as best I can, trying to look like I'm okay. I'm hoping this weekend to post my paintings up here. I have 13 so far, with 5 more in the works. I'm like a painting ninja! I'm also thinking of compiling a book of them when this series is all finished. And offering it for sale, as well as prints. We'll see. It's a neat idea.
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