Today is a win?

I ask tentatively. It was better, yes, but still I had mood issues. My main issue, the one I seem to struggle with the most, is the feeling of emptiness, of hopelessness, of worthlessness. As if nothing in this world truly matters and I should give up trying.

That being said, today actually was a better day. I didn't feel as depressed. I wasn't constantly on the verge of tears. I joked and laughed a little. Annoyingly though, I was rather irritable. Quite a bit irritable, lets be honest. Very snippish. Very annoyed with everything. I hate that feeling. The slightest thing can set me off. I kept it mostly under control, thankfully.

Again, the big problem is that feeling of emptiness, that life and everything is pointless. Thinking back to middle school and high school, I think I've always had this feeling. I think it's always been there. It doesn't let go for anything. I remember always having to come up with something to look forward to. Maybe buying something, maybe getting a pet (I had lots of pet rats and lizards). But I always needed something to look forward to, to keep me going.

And I find myself doing this now. I can look forward to getting my sparrow tattoo touched up this Wednesday (and adding one to my collar bone). After that, silly as it may sound, I'm looking forward to my appointments with Dr. C and M. After that? I don't know. I'll have to come up with something. But there in lies the rub: it's as if I can't truly push myself on without something to look forward to. This is more than little goals for motivation, like meeting mile stones in weight loss. These are things to keep me living. To keep me moving forward so I don't sink back into that black, black hole.

I wish I knew why I do this. Why I can't just truly be happy and content. Maybe I'll never know. Maybe I'll have a breakthrough in therapy. Maybe this is just how I am and I might as well deal with like I always have. I don't know. What do I know?

On the plus side, between yesterday and today I finished 3 paintings. My one original painting idea has blossomed into 17 paintings so far. I have another one in the works right now. Who knows how many more ideas I'll get. As long as I keep getting them, I'll keep painting them.