Today though . . .not so much. I called in sick to stay home with my son - he didn't go to school, still sick. It started okay. I was cranky, irritable. Lack of sleep I assumed. We went to Target to find some pajamas. Nothing wrong with that. Perfectly normal. Until we were driving home. I broke down. Bad. And I had to be quiet so my kiddo wouldn't hear, wouldn't know. Do you know how hard it is to sob quietly? While driving?
I got it under control until a block from my house and it started again. Where did this come from? I've had several good days! And it was for nothing! Nothing at all. I composed myself. I have to be strong after all, no matter the pain inside. So, into the house, blow my nose, wipe my eyes before my son could suspect anything.
He wanted to play with his army men with me. I had him set them up while I folded laundry . . .and cried. Silently. I'm strong, remember? Only I'm not . . . But I was okay. We played army. J came home from work early, we took my truck in for an oil change. I put on my happy-everthing's-fine face. But that emptiness inside was back. I hid it. I ignored it. I told myself it didn't exist. I almost convinced myself. Almost.
I went to the gym this evening, which usually helps clear my mind. It did, for awhile. Ate dinner, started working on my latest painting. Well, finishing it is more accurate. And, joy of joys, I almost broke down again. This is getting old, to say the least. And discouraging. Obviously I'm doing much better than I was even a week ago . . .but this has got to stop. I can only cry so much. Surely I have no tears left. And every time I think that I break down crying again.
I don't know what to do anymore. Keep plugging on I guess. It's all I can do.
Might as well share one of my newest paintings with you. It's titled "You Think I'm Strong . . .You're Wrong"
You definitely need to click on it to view the larger version to read all the little words on there. This is one of my favorites of the 19 I've done so far.
This is what's written on the back:
And you know and you know
Cos my life's a mess
And it's starting to show so before
I'm old I'll confess
You think that I'm strong you're wrong
You're wrong
I'll sing my song my song my song
~~~~
Life's too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don't have to take the blame
- Robbie Williams
And it's so true for me. I'm not as strong as you think I am, as I let on to be. I'm fragile, I'm weak, I'm small. My state of mind over the last 3-4 months has worn me down, people notice now. Notice something's wrong. Possibly very wrong. I know there's chatter. I try to ignore it. And I do take my pills to numb the pain . . .
. . . .God bless us everyone . . . .
You might be weakening, but you are strong. If you weren't I wouldn't be writing this to you now. Maybe strong isn't the right word, maybe courage is better. You have the courage to reach out and take a hand. You don't always know where your being pulled to, but you have the courage to take that hand and move forward. Sometimes the darkest path will revile your true light.
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Me
“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things” - Theodore Roosevelt