I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling. I'm still a bit all over the place. I'm very withdrawn. I really don't want to interact with people if I don't have to, but I'm trying not to isolate myself. I still feel hopeless. I still feel like life has no point, no purpose. I still get teary eyed, but not much crying - hardly any now. I'm still frustrated about everything. About how I feel, about how things don't EVER seem to get better, and how much I complain about it, about the illness itself, about how I don't seem to have the strength to beat it. Basically, I'm frustrated with everything. I'm trying to remain positive. But it's hard. I have made strides in the past week. I truly have. It just moves so slow. Too slow.
And poor J, having to put up with me. It's so unfair to him. I hate how much I vent to him, about how much I rely on him. It's very taxing on him, I know. I want to put on my mask around him. I know he doesn't want me to, and when he reads this he'll tell me not to, won't you? But I feel like I need to save you from me. My moods are pretty toxic at times.
It's funny, right before this paragraph I'm typing now, I was texting my brother, telling him everything I've been told. Everything I know. He suffers from depression. And he's got it bad now. I'm almost in tears over worry for him. Fuck what I'm going through and have gone through - he's my baby brother (only by 2 years of course), and the mama bear in me comes out when he hurts or is in trouble. It also makes me realize that depression lies.
FUCK YOU DEPRESSION. FUCK YOU TO HELL. I'M DONE WITH YOU. YOU'RE NOT CONTROLLING ME ANYMORE. NOT NOW. NOT EVER. I'M BANISHING YOU. I'M STRONGER THAN YOU. YOU ARE NOTHING. YOU ARE WEAK. AND YOU CAN GO TAKE A FLYING FUCK THROUGH A ROLLING DOUGHNUT FOR ALL I CARE.
I know I'll have bad days. I know it will take time. But that's it. No more of this bullshit. I'm done with it.
Funny how a text can change your attitude when nothing else has.
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