Oy Vey

Let's start with yesterday, shall we? Yesterday was a win. A fairly solid win. Worked out, had a doctor's appointment, got a tattoo, Christmas card photo shoot, painted. All in all I felt pretty good. A wee bit cranky at times, but good.

Today was difficult. Woke up in a bad mood. I exercised, which helped, but I couldn't shake the black cloud over my head. Not only that, I was feeling a bit down. I think the problem lay in what the day had in store for me. See, Thanksgiving means that we go to J's aunt's house to eat. Which is fine, except there's a lot of people there. I mean, a lot. As in 20 or so. And that many people talking, and moving around everywhere and in general just being there . . .no. I'm having a hard time dealing with situations like that. I don't want to deal with situations like that.

So I did the only thing I could do - I put on a mask. I smiled, I joked a little, even a couple of genuine laughs. But it was a mask. At times it was hard to keep up the charade. There were so many people and I didn't want to be weird. I didn't want to be strange. I wanted to fit in and seem normal. Notice the word I used? Seem normal. Because I sure as hell didn't feel that way. I felt tense and nervous, withdrawn and shy, tired and anxious . . .but I had to look happy and normal. No depression. No feeling like I was crawling out of my skin. Not a hint of my anxiety. Keep that mask on tight. No one can look underneath it. For what lies beneath, some wouldn't like or accept.

The whole time we were there, I wanted to leave. I wanted to curl up somewhere, anywhere, and hide. Pull a blanket over my head, block it all out - the noise, the light, the sights - block it all out and sleep. But you can't do that. Not with 20 family members around.

I made it through though. And when we got home, I realized, again, how utterly exhausting it is to keep that mask on. How bloody tired I was, mentally and emotionally. How much I wanted to hide away and be left alone and isolated from everyone, if only for a short time.

And I hung up my mask, with my many others, for another day. Who knows - I may need it again tomorrow.

"Which Mask Today?"
One of the paintings in my series. It's a self portrait, of course. All those masks to choose from. Which on shall I choose? My true self, the expressionless self, who may be depressed or manic or happy or anything but often changes on a whim for no reason, that's the mask that no one wants to see. The one that singles me out. So, which mask makes me seem normal?