The past 4 days have been brutal. An emotional roller coaster that ended mostly in me crying. Not just crying - sobbing uncontrollably. A constant feeling of despair and hopelessness. I cried so much . . .I don't think I have any tears left. It's been a long 4 days. Tiring, dismal, having to try and keep the facade up. I hate it.
Today though . . .today was better. Not great. Not quite me. But better. I was still down, still withdrawn, still irritable . . .but not as bad. I was even able to joke and laugh today at work - a refreshing change. I'm hoping this is a sign that I'm turning the corner. I see some hope on the horizon.
You may notice this is a short post. I'll be honest: I'm tired and I don't feel like writing about how deeply depressed I've been - I'm worried it will bring everything flooding back and the small victory today will be washed away.
I'll be calling M tomorrow to touch base, and my next appointment with him is next Monday. I hope my days continue to get better. I hope the depression is leaving. And though I know this will never be the case, I hope this never happens again (two major depressive episodes with suicidal ideation with interventions to keep me out of the hospital in less than a year is just too much for me to handle).
I'll write more on Wednesday probably. Post some paintings maybe. We'll see.
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