So tired of this

Yesterday I had what turned out to be a crisis meeting with M and Dr. C. It wasn't supposed to be that way. I was supposed to have therapy and go home, be okay. But that's not what happened.
Yesterday was a very bad day. A day in which I admitted to myself and to M just how bad my depression was. I've been hiding it from everyone - including myself. But . . .yesterday I crashed. Hard. I could keep up my facade no more. During therapy, M let me know that he was very concerned about me and wanted me to go and see Dr. C with him after our session. Which is what we did. Actually, Dr. C didn't even wait for M before he pulled me into his office. I was a wreck. I broke down. M followed shortly thereafter to talk about our session. We're doing a few things to keep me from being hospitalized. One, we're increasing my Lamictal dose (gradually, of course). Second, Dr. C gave me a sample pack of provigil - a stimulant (an amphetamine, really) to hopefully boost my mood enough so that I can cope and function. Third, I have to email Dr. C every day to let him know how I'm doing and to call immediately if things change. Sadly, I won't be able to see M next week as he'll be out of the office - I won't see him again until the 12th. Which worries me. A lot. Seeing him is what's keeping me going at the moment. I literally count down the days until my next visit, pulling what little hope I can out of it.
I've said it before, I know, but I'm so tired of dealing with this and feeling this way. I was trying so hard to keep the depression hidden, hoping it would just go away. And now I'm at this boiling point and I'm having meltdown after meltdown. I don't know what to do any more. I'm doing everything right. Everything that I COULD be doing, I'm doing. And I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. My shaky facade is crumbling. I can barely hold it together. And I'm at the point that I don't care. I don't care anymore. I want to give up. Let the depression take me and whatever happens, happens. But I have to keep on going. I have to be there for my son and husband. And it's so hard to do when I feel dead inside. So dead, so empty. I'm not as strong as people think I am. And whatever strength I do have left is waning.
My close friends notice the changes, notice how much worse I am. And how I keep getting worse. I don't seem to get better. I go from mixed episode to depression to mixed and now back to depression. I haven't had any long lasting relief since this all started last January. Which gives me little hope that I'll ever be stable.
Just stability. That's all I want. A decent expanse of time where I don't feel all over the place, where I don't feel like I want to die because I feel so bad. That's all I ask for.
I think this post might be a rambling mess of run on sentences. I don't care. I'm going to bed because I have to put on my happy face and go back to work tomorrow. Maybe it will be better than today. Maybe it will be worse.
I'll let you know.